I don’t know why… but I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept having this strange feeling that there is something you might be reaching for that you don’t really want but you just keep going to it.
I know that sounds crazy. But hear me out.
Years ago when I was living in Atlanta, I saw a homeless man going through trash cans. And I just assumed he was looking for food because Atlanta has a large population of beggars/homelessness… so I started reaching into my pocket to give him some money, and I heard something tell me:
Stop and just observe.
So I watched him.
He would go from trash can to trash can, pulling things out, examining them, putting some things back… and every now and then he would find something and eat it. I remember feeling sad while I was watching him.
And I thought to myself… I don’t know if I could do that. You know just randomly eat stuff out of a trash can.
And almost immediately I heard:
Hungry people will eat anything.
That line literally destroyed me and never left me after all these years… I still can hear it in the back of my head today.
But I think in that moment… I realized I was judging his decisions from my condition. And this is what I mean by that. I wasn’t hungry as I watched him… I had just finished eating at a restaurant. So I had no idea or clue when he had eaten last. And you know it’s easy to talk about what you would never consume when you’re full.
But I learned something through the years that is super important for you to understand all of this… hunger will always change your standards.
Hunger can make something harmful feel necessary.
Hunger can make you stop asking, “Is this good for me?” and start saying, “I' don’t even care I just want the pain to go away… even if it’s just for a moment!”
When you are hungry the things you say you would never eat somehow become an option to satisfy that growling.
You and I both have trash cans just like that homeless man… but the difference is most people can’t see ours like they can see his. Because sometimes your trash can shows up looking like eating anything in relationships because you are hungry to feel chosen. Or it can look like eating achievement because we are hungry to feel valuable. Even eating anything in a friendship because we are hungry to belong. How about eating attention because you are hungry to feel seen. And I could keep going on and on but I think you get my point.
Some people keep returning to people who hurt them because sometimes being hurt feels more safe than being alone.
Hungry is hungry.
And hungry people will eat anything.
I was reading so many comments this week from all of my letters because I really wanted to respond to as many as I possibly could… and I started noticing a common thread. Hunger!
The people were hungry. I could sense it with each comment I read… but as I was reading, this thought hit me:
Hunger does not always tell you what you need. Sometimes it only tells you where you are empty.
That’s why I want to ask you something today… that I’m not even sure I want you to answer too quickly.
What are you actually hungry for?
Now , I’m not asking you about what you are currently eating. I’m asking what are you truly hungry for? Because those are not always the same thing.
It is possible right now that you may be eating attention… but you’re really hungry for affection. We have all been there… where we know we want something to eat but we just can’t really figure out what we have a taste for. That’s why we end up eating whatever is close.
So you eat sex… but really was hungry for intimacy. You may end up eating achievement… but just hungry for approval. I don’t know what yours is. But i do know that if you misinterpret the hunger… you will keep feeding it the wrong thing. And still remain hungry.
All hunger does is sends a signal and that’s it. But the signal does not come with clarify and it does not tell you what to eat. What if hunger was never asking for the thing you fed it. What if it’s just pointing toward the empty place deep within. Because there are things we consume that only make the hunger disappear long enough for us not not feel the pain for a moment.
But don’t miss this… relief can feel like nourishment and never actually benefit you.
Now I’m not saying all of this to you because I want you to spend years judging yourself for what you keep eating and allowing to enter your life. To be honest… maybe nobody ever taught you how to identify what was starving in you. I really don’t believe you are needy… you’re just hungry to feel chosen for once in your life.
And if that is true, than ask yourself: What feeling am I hoping this thing will give me once I have it?
I believe whatever answer comes after that question… that will probably be closer to your real hunger than the thing you keep reaching for. And I know for a fact… once you can finally name the hunger, you can stop letting just anything feed it.
I will write you next Sunday.
Gold,
Mr. EQ has entered the chat looking GQ. 😂 I see we’ve changed clothes again...
“Hungry people will eat anything” immediately made me think about scarcity vs. abundance. Because if I really believe this might be all I get, I’m going to look at what’s in front of me very differently. And sometimes the need is completely legitimate, I’m just trying to meet it in a way that isn’t actually good for me. Abundance gives you room to be choosy. I can say no to this when I trust there’s more.
Then I started thinking about the other side of hunger... fullness. You have to know what hunger feels like to eventually recognize, I’m full. I don’t need this. And as I thought through the hungers you named, seen, chosen, connected, understood, another one came to mind... alive.
But let me explain lol. Not because I wasn’t living, but there are certain things I associate with really feeling alive.
I already had six tattoos, but after about 6 years of getting none, I recently added another one... and a few piercings too! Three weeks later and I still replay the experience in my mind with this almost euphoric feeling because of how much I enjoyed it. The anticipation. The sound of the tattoo gun. The quick controlled pain of the piercings. The rush. And then looking at myself afterward and seeing something different than what was there before.
I realized something was being fed there too. Actually, more than one thing. Excitement, autonomy, expression, transformation, delight. One experience was feeding several things in me at once.
And THAT is where EQ and emotionally healthy spirituality meet for me. Shoutout to Peter Scazzero lol. Sometimes we overspiritualize instead of identifying what’s actually happening in us. Even the Word can become a bandage if I’m using it to quiet something God actually wants to take me deeper into and heal. Not because the Word lacks power, but because, like you said, relief and healing aren’t always the same thing.
But look, there’s another side of hunger. What happens when you’re hungry but afraid to eat what will actually nourish you? To bring it back to your homeless man, say you gave him money for food, but instead he bought beer, cigarettes, or drugs. To be clear, I’m not THAT person lol. I have a special affection for homeless people and those struggling with mental illness. It’s literally one of the reasons I moved to Atlanta. I want to be part of the solution. MPA shorty in the making lol
But back to my point lol. The opportunity to eat was there, but for whatever reason, he still reached for something else. I will be the first to say I do that emotionally too. Sometimes what will actually nourish us is available, but we’ve gotten so accustomed to what gives us quick relief that the nourishing thing doesn’t feel as appealing, familiar, or even safe. What if you’ve eaten from trash cans for so long that good food doesn’t even register as food anymore? Sheesh.
Knowing what I’m hungry for doesn’t automatically mean I know how to receive what will satisfy it. There’s some unlearning in there too. New pathways. Developing a taste for what actually nourishes me after getting used to what only gave me relief. Because nourishment doesn’t always feel good while we’re receiving it. I was listening to a podcast that talked about how we tend to view hardship and struggle as things getting in the way of who we’re becoming, when sometimes they’re creating the exact conditions needed to develop qualities we wouldn’t develop without them.
I love when neuroscience gives language to something I’ve already seen in God. Even the struggle can be feeding me.
And that brings me right back to fullness. Learning what feeds me, recognizing when I’m being fed, and eventually being able to say, this is good for me. I can eat this. And when I’m full, I can stop. Phew.
I noticed you didn’t give us a Bible verse this time. I liked that. There’s something refreshing about letting an idea be examined through more than one lens. Scripture, psychology, experience, even a little EQ in a GQ suit 😏
“In the multitude of counsel there is safety.”
Same diamond. Different facets. Turn it a little and something else catches the light. 10 carat me down!! 😂😂😂
The outfit looks good on you Mr. Boone.
I think my hunger will be satisfied with company, and the fear of loneliness and my anxiety and catastrophic thoughts take over me, and no matter how determined I am to make healthy changes, that anxiety clouds my judgment, and I make mistake after mistake.