I came back for read #2 with my hot matcha latte beside me.
But this time was different. As I studied the scripture story, it all began to feel very personal.
I saw myself in Mepibosheth but through the lens of healed eyes not afraid to admit it. Not afraid to admit that the “lame” little girl I once was became a “lame” grown woman who would only find what I needed the most from a Father who could SEE me. (I could keep going here lol but I won’t)
A couple of my favorite lines (and there are many) says, “The miracle wasn’t simply that David invited Mephibosheth to the table.
The miracle was that grace kept inviting him until his inner story could finally catch up with his new reality.”
So here’s what I’m grateful for…
I found grace at the King’s table. It was there the whole time and it didn’t cost me anything. Only to sit.🙌🏾
You will never believe me, but I had that line written and I removed it “the little lame boy only grows up to become the little lame man”. Man, it hits so deep. But the beauty in your comment is you viewed the story through your healed lens. Powerful. Welcome to the table 🫶🏽
Marquise, I’ve returned multiple times to this post, reading and digesting it all. I have a slight fear of being open and vulnerable yet feeling the desire to speak in hopes of lifting the very weights that’s been weighing me down since childhood. But I am an orphan is the voice I keep hearing as I read your title over and over.
In my childhood, I wondered why I was so easily abandoned by my parents. I somewhat understood my mother’s reasoning for abandonment while being in the era where she became addicted to crack to numb the pain of being left by her abusive husband (my dad) to care for five children alone.
But the nerve of my father, who caused emotional damage to me as a child every time I heard the screams of my mother being beaten and seeing the results of black eyes the next morning frightened me so badly that I’ve feared dating, I’ve feared trusting a partner who should protect me and not cause me any harm, I’ve feared being alone with a man behind closed doors for too long because I don’t know if the monster unbeknownst to the world will attack me behind the walls that no one could see. It was so easy for him to walk away from his daughter’s yet keep the boys in his custody. I often felt resented by my dad because I look so much like my mom.
My father took my brothers in because his current girlfriend while still being married to my mom had boys their age, (how lucky were they?) They didn’t experience the abandonment that my sisters and I did, the three of us all became child wards of the state.
I remember as a child walking into that foster home on the first day, feeling afraid and alone. Everyone looked so different from me, from my family. That feeling of loneliness, rejection, abandonment, disappointment spilled right over into my adult life. I hibernate like a bear in isolation because I feel safer being alone because I know I’m not gonna hurt me, I’ve convinced myself that I’m my best protection.
I am aware, per the bible, that two are better than one. I’ve prayed to god many nights so he knows the desire of my heart and I’ve asked with every test, with all that I’ve endured as a child and adult that I’ve manage to overcome, will he ever bless me with a partner who is capable and has the capacity to love me unconditionally because the man that played a part in helping to conceive me is my biggest disappointment.
My adult mind wants partnership, loyalty, unconditional love, and lifelong commitment. The child in me, questions if that type of love even exists anymore while playing it safe and in isolation to dodge rejection, disappointment, and abandonment because it feels safer in isolation than taking a chance on being heartbroken. 😩🙏
I want you to know that what you just wrote was the lifting of the weight you have carried all these years. You did the very thing you feared, and you did it with courage. Not everyone could have done that. This was a big step.
Now, about that voice that keeps saying “But I am an orphan.” I understand why it’s loud as you read my letter. Ward of the state, the foster home, a father who kept the boys and released his daughters … wow, that was real, and I won’t minimize it. But hear me when you read this: orphan is what you survived, not what you are. It was a section and chapter of your life, not your name. God claimed you even when people discarded you. He calls Himself a Father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5).
And I want to speak to the little girl who decided the only safe person was herself… Don’t be ashamed of her. She protected you the only way a child could. But she’s tired now and I can feel it when I read your comment. She’s been waiting to hear you say, “Thank you for keeping us safe. You can rest. I’ve got us now.” I want you to say that out loud because that’s what letting go looks loke right now for you. And hear me, it is not forgetting, just changing who’s in charge.
The love you are praying for and sooooo desire… needs a door left unlocked. I want you to unlock that door slowly, and you don’t have to do it alone… we are here with you and for you. Rooting you on. Welcome to your next chapter. This was your big step. Everything changes from here.
Thank you so much for this. I appreciate you and needed to hear this. Your encouragement and inspirational words has always made me feel like the child transforming into superwoman that can take over the world. Door unlocking slowly but surely. 🔓 “Thank you for keeping us safe. You can rest. I’ve got us now.”
Hahaha that’s real Kellye. Oil is in the whole house hahahaha. But honestly, this is one of my most personal letters so far and I agree it takes a few reads. I read it prob 15 times and added and removed each time I read it 🫣.
From the moment I heard the coffee cup touch the saucer, I knew this one was going to touch something deep.
If I'm honest, it feels safer to hide my limp under the guise of "putting my best foot forward" instead of coming to the table limping. All I can imagine are the eyes on me as I walk to my seat... and in that vulnerable state, those stares can feel almost unbearable.
But your letter this morning reinforced the process God uses. It invited me to grieve my expectation of arriving at the table already healed. Maybe I need to do that before I can embrace the truth that healing and covering are what the table provides.
But seriously, I feel every word you just stated. The thoughts … the emotions… the feelings… the eyes watching you… are all real. That’s the “gap” deep inside. That is one of the signals that you are destined for success… for the table.
I appreciate you always engaging In the letters. I know you will embrace that healing and covering. 🫶🏽
I came back for read #2 with my hot matcha latte beside me.
But this time was different. As I studied the scripture story, it all began to feel very personal.
I saw myself in Mepibosheth but through the lens of healed eyes not afraid to admit it. Not afraid to admit that the “lame” little girl I once was became a “lame” grown woman who would only find what I needed the most from a Father who could SEE me. (I could keep going here lol but I won’t)
A couple of my favorite lines (and there are many) says, “The miracle wasn’t simply that David invited Mephibosheth to the table.
The miracle was that grace kept inviting him until his inner story could finally catch up with his new reality.”
So here’s what I’m grateful for…
I found grace at the King’s table. It was there the whole time and it didn’t cost me anything. Only to sit.🙌🏾
You will never believe me, but I had that line written and I removed it “the little lame boy only grows up to become the little lame man”. Man, it hits so deep. But the beauty in your comment is you viewed the story through your healed lens. Powerful. Welcome to the table 🫶🏽
Wow. I believe you!!🙌🏾
It’s an honor to be at the table. No place I’d rather be❤️
Marquise, I’ve returned multiple times to this post, reading and digesting it all. I have a slight fear of being open and vulnerable yet feeling the desire to speak in hopes of lifting the very weights that’s been weighing me down since childhood. But I am an orphan is the voice I keep hearing as I read your title over and over.
In my childhood, I wondered why I was so easily abandoned by my parents. I somewhat understood my mother’s reasoning for abandonment while being in the era where she became addicted to crack to numb the pain of being left by her abusive husband (my dad) to care for five children alone.
But the nerve of my father, who caused emotional damage to me as a child every time I heard the screams of my mother being beaten and seeing the results of black eyes the next morning frightened me so badly that I’ve feared dating, I’ve feared trusting a partner who should protect me and not cause me any harm, I’ve feared being alone with a man behind closed doors for too long because I don’t know if the monster unbeknownst to the world will attack me behind the walls that no one could see. It was so easy for him to walk away from his daughter’s yet keep the boys in his custody. I often felt resented by my dad because I look so much like my mom.
My father took my brothers in because his current girlfriend while still being married to my mom had boys their age, (how lucky were they?) They didn’t experience the abandonment that my sisters and I did, the three of us all became child wards of the state.
I remember as a child walking into that foster home on the first day, feeling afraid and alone. Everyone looked so different from me, from my family. That feeling of loneliness, rejection, abandonment, disappointment spilled right over into my adult life. I hibernate like a bear in isolation because I feel safer being alone because I know I’m not gonna hurt me, I’ve convinced myself that I’m my best protection.
I am aware, per the bible, that two are better than one. I’ve prayed to god many nights so he knows the desire of my heart and I’ve asked with every test, with all that I’ve endured as a child and adult that I’ve manage to overcome, will he ever bless me with a partner who is capable and has the capacity to love me unconditionally because the man that played a part in helping to conceive me is my biggest disappointment.
My adult mind wants partnership, loyalty, unconditional love, and lifelong commitment. The child in me, questions if that type of love even exists anymore while playing it safe and in isolation to dodge rejection, disappointment, and abandonment because it feels safer in isolation than taking a chance on being heartbroken. 😩🙏
I want you to know that what you just wrote was the lifting of the weight you have carried all these years. You did the very thing you feared, and you did it with courage. Not everyone could have done that. This was a big step.
Now, about that voice that keeps saying “But I am an orphan.” I understand why it’s loud as you read my letter. Ward of the state, the foster home, a father who kept the boys and released his daughters … wow, that was real, and I won’t minimize it. But hear me when you read this: orphan is what you survived, not what you are. It was a section and chapter of your life, not your name. God claimed you even when people discarded you. He calls Himself a Father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5).
And I want to speak to the little girl who decided the only safe person was herself… Don’t be ashamed of her. She protected you the only way a child could. But she’s tired now and I can feel it when I read your comment. She’s been waiting to hear you say, “Thank you for keeping us safe. You can rest. I’ve got us now.” I want you to say that out loud because that’s what letting go looks loke right now for you. And hear me, it is not forgetting, just changing who’s in charge.
The love you are praying for and sooooo desire… needs a door left unlocked. I want you to unlock that door slowly, and you don’t have to do it alone… we are here with you and for you. Rooting you on. Welcome to your next chapter. This was your big step. Everything changes from here.
Thank you so much for this. I appreciate you and needed to hear this. Your encouragement and inspirational words has always made me feel like the child transforming into superwoman that can take over the world. Door unlocking slowly but surely. 🔓 “Thank you for keeping us safe. You can rest. I’ve got us now.”
Yaay! You’re in Substack! We’re in for a treat!
Wow. There is clearly oil resting on your kitchen island. The kind that reveals hidden truths and unlocks revelations you never know existed.
For me…this one deserves a second and maybe third read along with time with God and a hot matcha latte…I’ll be back again.
Hahaha that’s real Kellye. Oil is in the whole house hahahaha. But honestly, this is one of my most personal letters so far and I agree it takes a few reads. I read it prob 15 times and added and removed each time I read it 🫣.
Thanks for sitting with the letters. Means alot.
I believe it! The oil is wherever you are.
Of course. Keep writing❤️
From the moment I heard the coffee cup touch the saucer, I knew this one was going to touch something deep.
If I'm honest, it feels safer to hide my limp under the guise of "putting my best foot forward" instead of coming to the table limping. All I can imagine are the eyes on me as I walk to my seat... and in that vulnerable state, those stares can feel almost unbearable.
But your letter this morning reinforced the process God uses. It invited me to grieve my expectation of arriving at the table already healed. Maybe I need to do that before I can embrace the truth that healing and covering are what the table provides.
I guess it's time to take my seat.
That cup did it hahaha.
But seriously, I feel every word you just stated. The thoughts … the emotions… the feelings… the eyes watching you… are all real. That’s the “gap” deep inside. That is one of the signals that you are destined for success… for the table.
I appreciate you always engaging In the letters. I know you will embrace that healing and covering. 🫶🏽