I honestly don’t know how to start this letter. On one hand I want to come straight out and say it… and then on the other hand I want to ease into it.
I will just say it.
You really think you are playing life smart. But I have to tell you the truth…
you
Are
Not.
There are some parts of you standing at the window. Guarding your life and just waiting on something to go wrong. You have done this so long that you call it “just being realistic”. But it’s really fear.
I mean, let’s be honest… when the relationships in your life are finally good… guess what you do?!
You start searching and looking for a crack in it.
Because there’s no way this can be too good to be true. The money finally shows up… so you are already calculating for the day it leaves. This season of your life is actually calm for once. And you still cannot feel any of it. Because like I said… you are standing at that window… guarding.
And you know what’s keeping you stuck in this pattern? You believe that if you see the loss coming… it will hurt less. That if you keep one eye on the exit, keep your guard up… then when the bad thing comes, you will be ready for it. It will not be able to blindside you. So you never fully walk into the good day. You spend the good day protecting yourself against a bad day that hasn’t even shown up yet. And if the bad thing never comes… you missed the good thing entirely. Because you were so busy guarding it that you never got to enjoy and embrace it.
I’m sure you are asking how do I know this?
Well, last summer I almost died. I was literally in a hospital bed in ICU with cerebral malaria, and there was a stretch of it where I did not know if I was going to even see my daughter grow up.
And you would think facing that would make me want to grip everything tighter. But laying in that hospital room, nearly losing all of it, I learned something that guarding could never teach me.
All that bracing… all those years of standing at the window keeping watch… had not added anything to my life. It had not stopped one thing from coming. It had not protected anything. The only thing it had ever did was rob me of the days I had.
Do you remember that widow in the Bible who was down to her last little bit of flour and oil? When the prophet found her she told him she was going make one last meal for her and her son and she was going eat it and die.
Now catch this… she was technically not out of food yet. She still had flour in her hand. But in her mind, she had already buried herself. She was in real time living her last day before it even showed up.
Look at what the prophet tells her to do that makes no sense… he tells her to make him something to eat first. And he promised that if she does that… her flour and oil will not run out until the rain came.
I am not about to tell you that nothing bad will ever happen to you. That would be me lying to you and selling you a fantasy. But I will say this… the floor might drop from under you. You might lose something. You could lose some of what you are holding right now, and no amount of bracing will decide that.
I wish I could write you a letter that would write away all of your fears, anxiety, bitterness, loneliness, regrets, doubts and pain… but the bravest thing a human being can do… is not guarantee you will never ever lose. Nobody can do that. The bravest thing is to hold something you love… take that chance… and while you know you could lose it… you hold it with with open hands… on purpose… and love it all the way while you have it.
That is the most courageous way a person can live.
To say I know this could be taken away, and I am still going to be fully here for it anyway.
It’s time to stop watching the door and turn around and actually look at the people in your orbit and in your room and love them fully. Enjoy every moment without looking for the crack or for something to go wrong.
Stop standing at the door.
Stop standing at the window.
Be here for the good day while it is still today.
I will write you next Sunday.
Gold,
P.S. If you made it to the end of this letter… I just want to say I love you and I am super proud of the person you are becoming for real.
This hit me deeply. I became so comfortable living at the window—always watching, always waiting for the next painful thing to happen.
After losing my grandfather, my father, my uncle, my aunt, my niece, and my brother within years of one another, grief taught me to expect loss. I got so used to bracing myself for the next heartbreak that I forgot what it felt like to simply live. I smiled so people wouldn’t see the pain, but inside, I was exhausted.
Eventually, I had to let go and let God guide me. I stopped trying to prepare myself for every possible loss and started allowing myself to experience the life that was still right in front of me.
Today, I live fully, love deeply, laugh freely, and I can truly say I have never been happier.
I’m no longer standing at the window waiting for something to go wrong.
I’m fully outside now. ❤️🙏🏽
Okayyy I think this one is safe enough for me to come off my porch and back into the town square *looks both ways before crossing the street*
“To say I know this could be taken away, and I am still going to be fully here for it anyway.”
Whew. Presence without a guarantee. 🥵
The fear of losing something really can keep you from ever fully having it. Because trying to experience something and pre-grieve it at the same time?? Fixx it Jesus 😭
Learning how to just be HERE. To let something be good while it’s good. To fully have it while I have it without needing a guarantee that I’ll always have it.
...Thank you for putting some clothes back on for this one. Much easier to talk in the town square this way 😂