Everybody's a Best Friend Now
[In my bed in Bangkok]
It’s 2:03 in the morning and I'm currently staring at my ceiling. The room is pitch black… or should I say completely dark.
It’s funny how loud your thoughts become when everything else becomes silent. And all I can think about is this topic that the whole nation is discussing right now:
Who is my best friend?
Does that person even know where I am right now? How did they even become my best friend... what did either of us ever do to earn a title this heavy?
If I took my last breath tonight and died in this room... how long would it take for my best friend to find out? Would they cry? Would they say “I just talked to him yesterday”?
Would they miss me... or would they just move on with their life and tell everyone they were my best friend?
Would they keep sending texts to my phone and reels to my DM... even though they know I am gone?
What is a best friend? And how do you become one?
As you can see I have a lot of questions tonight and no real answers.
I’m writing you about this subject this morning because I have a feeling you’ve had thoughts like these too… at an hour like this… when nobody sees you and there’s nowhere to hide from yourself.
This week there is a story about Nolan Wells that is everywhere, a young man who died and his friends lived… I am not here to write about what happened to him. I do not know and neither do you. I do know there is a family grieving tonight and I will not borrow from their pain to make a point. But everywhere this story travels… Every headline, every interview, and every argument inside the comment section… the same two words keep appearing.
Best friend.
The entire country seems to be asking one question.
“Were they really his best friends?”
And right now in this dark room, I am realizing something very uncomfortable. I don’t know if I can answer that question about my own life. If someone asked me today who my best friend is… would the person I name say the same thing? Or have I mistaken history for intimacy… loyalty… and all of our memories for covenant?
You know lying here in the dark, I keep replaying my own life. There was a season my name was in thousands of people’s mouths. People called me friend, brother, family… I have been claimed by more people than I can even count. Yet during the loneliest season of my life... I could count on one hand the people who actually knew what I was going through. I’ve learned something I wish someone had taught me years earlier.
Being claimed...
...is not the same thing as being fully known.
Some people know your birthday. But very few know your true breaking point. Most people see your success. Only a couple of people know what keeps you awake at two in the morning. Some people know your public story. And only a few know the private battle you’re praying your way through right now. I told you in a previous letter that you can spend your entire life surrounded by people... and still never be deeply known by any of them.
So what is a best friend?
The ceiling won’t give me a definition tonight. But it keeps giving me pictures and scenarios.
I keep seeing a boat leaving a shoreline.
And I keep thinking... maybe a best friend is simply the person who counts you before the boat leaves. The one who looks around and cannot settle themselves until they know where you are. A best friend might be the one who notices your absence… maybe they hear the change in your voice before you tell them you’re struggling. Maybe they recognize that something is wrong because they’ve learned your rhythm.
Now, I don’t mean to get cliché, but when I think about friendship in scripture I wander to Jonathan. Most people remember Jonathan because he helped David. But that’s not the remarkable part in the story. The remarkable part is what Jonathan actually gave him. The Bible says Jonathan loved David as his own soul. And it says Jonathan took off his robe... and gave it to David. Then his armor. Then his sword. Then his bow. Then his belt. We often picture that as a generous exchange of possessions. But I see something totally different here. Jonathan wasn’t giving David extra clothes. He was removing the visible symbols of who he was and gifting it to his friend.
The robe represented his identity. The armor represented his protection. The sword represented his strength. And the belt represented his readiness. Jonathan wasn’t just giving David what he owned. He was surrendering what he could have become. And not only surrendering… he was stripping himself of everything for his friend.
Hear me clearly, David wasn’t taking Jonathan’s future. Jonathan was placing it into David’s hands. And what’s even more crazy is that Jonathan never got to witness or enjoy David’s success. Because he died before David ever became king.
But let me go deeper. Saul, who is Jonathan father… knew David was going to become king. Jonathan knew David was going to become king. The father and son both had the same information.
But they each had completely different hearts.
Saul spent his life trying to kill David because he feared losing the throne. However, Jonathan spent his life protecting David because he loved David more than the throne.
One loved his position more than his friend. The other loved his friend more than his position.
Maybe that’s the difference between competition and covenant.
Now, I'm thinking about Jesus… when Jesus finally defines friendship, He doesn’t talk about chemistry. He doesn’t mention shared hobbies. He doesn’t say friendship is built on history. He says,
“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”
Notice what Jesus used to define friendship. It wasn’t emotion. But rather sacrifice.
Maybe we’ve reduced friendship to proximity. When Heaven defines it by what you’re willing to lay down.
And somewhere between my ceiling... and these Scriptures... a sentence is finally formed.
A caption is not a covenant.
We’ve turned “best friend” into something we write under birthday pictures. Into something we hashtag on social media when posting about someone. Into something we just say because we’ve known someone for a long time.
But friendship was never supposed to be a caption. It’s deeper than that.
It was always meant to be a covenant. A pact… like a real pact. Not this fake, phony, some-timing, seasonal, on and off stuff.
Real covenants always cost the person who keeps them. And I don’t think our generations get that.
Because they cost time.
Attention.
Presence.
Difficult conversations.
Interruptions.
Second phone calls.
Forgiveness.
Third phone calls.
Money.
Misunderstandings.
Driving across town because something doesn’t feel right.
Checking again because your spirit won’t let it go.
And I could keep going but I think you see my point.
Anything that costs nothing... eventually means nothing.
So… let me hand you a few questions.
Ask yourself:
Who really knows something is wrong with me… even without me having to say a word?
Who really has permission to interrupt my life because they love me too much to ignore what they see?
Who knows my life rhythms good enough to recognize when something is wrong with me?
Who would be the first to come looking for me before anybody else realized I was missing?
Okay… now totally forget whether you have that kind of friend. I want to ask you an even harder question…
Have you become that friend to someone?
Naw, please don’t try to close this letter right here… don’t run from what feels slightly uncomfortable. We all want to have that person there for us… but whose future are you currently helping to build even if you never benefit from it? Who have you protected recently without needing credit? Whose mother has your phone number and knows how to reach you? Whose absence would disturb your peace enough that you’d stop everything and go looking for them? Whose success are you secretly competing with instead of celebrating?
You see… Jonathan teaches us something we often miss about friendship.
Friendship isn’t measured by how often someone stands beside you. Or how many times you talk a day.
It’s measured by what they’re willing to lay down so you can become who God created you to be.
I have to be honest… I’m so tired of these fake friendships where the same people they stand beside are the same ones they talk about behind their backs. It’s too many people claiming each other publicly and behind closed doors… they can’t stand each other.
It’s almost three in the morning now. And I’m still staring at this ceiling.
I still don’t have a perfect definition of a best friend.
But I challenge you to do something.
After you finish reading this letter… text the first person or two who came to mind while reading this.
Not because it’s their birthday. Not because you need a favor…. but simply because covenants should be spoken while people are still alive to hear them.
One day there will be a last phone call. A last laugh. A last conversation. A last “I’ll call you tomorrow.” And none of us will know which one it is. So don’t wait until the funeral to discover who mattered.
I’ll leave you with this… be the friend who counts heads before the boat leaves. Be the friend who notices when that person goes silent. Be the friend who goes back. Be the friend whose love costs something.
Be the friend that made a pact and refuses to break it.
I’ll write you again next Sunday.
Gold,
p.s. if no one came to mind… that’s ok. The right people will come into your life.
This is a great letter. In my journey of friendship, it is always important to me to be a great friend and not let what others go thru affect the way I continue to show up for my friends. I’ve always been extremely loyal, caring, giving without ever having an ulterior motive of receiving anything in return.
But what if friendship is rejected continuously by the other party? What if you’ve genuinely tried to be there for someone as a great friend but they were unable to recognize the genuine friendship due to their own insecurities and doubt? What if the very friendship you continued to show up for was never reciprocated yet you still continued showing up until it became exhausting? What if you tried to reach out via phone continuously just to make sure your friend is ok and no reply, ever?
Do you continue fighting for the friendship in hopes one day they will recognize your sincerity? Friendships work both ways, like plants, they have to be watered from both sides. I definitely have one person who always comes to mind when I think of friendship, but unfortunately I can’t reach out because my phone was damaged that contains there number and I can’t access my iCloud, so I can’t reach out if I wanted too.
Honestly, I could reach out to the parents and get the phone number but then I ask myself why would I do that? To purposely get hurt, to not be taken seriously, to be ignored, to feel rejected, I’d rather keep showing up supporting when I can, cheering from the sidelines, and not continue keep setting myself up for disappointment and rejection.
So for me, friendship has to be genuinely an open dialogue between both parties with pure intentions for it to grow into best friend status over time.
We went there 🫣